Something I hate about losing all this fat
October 06, 2003 
5:24 am
There's something that's been bothering me about losing weight that I haven't wanted to talk about, because it's very shallow. And to be honest I'm quite embarrassed by it. But it's 5:30am, there's no one awake in the house except me, and I feel like being a little shallow.
Here it is: None of my clothes fit right.
One point of pride I've always kept even though I'm obese is that I dress neatly. My clothes are pressed, they always match, they're in fashion, they're nicely fitting. But now everything is fitting me like large burlap sacks, and it's more than a little annoying, and disheartening.
I've lost 32 lbs. I look in the mirror expecting to see someone smaller, someone thinner, and instead I see someone who looks fatter than ever! Why? Because my clothes are hanging on me, literally hanging on me. I have to pull my pants up several times a day. My work shirts look like parachutes. I look sloppy, unkempt, like I just rolled out of bed.
I feel like an idiot for pulling my hair back and wearing make-up. Why bother? I look like a slob. But I do it anyway, because I know that to not do so would be to give into a self-destructive and incorrect image.
When I look at myself naked, I feel thinner. I look thinner. I can see the difference that 32 lbs gone makes. I want so badly to be able to show that difference off.
My mother and I joke that I'm going to inherit her wardrobe. But she was a size 14, and right now... well right now I don't know what size I am. Before now I was between a 22 and a 24, to be honest probably closer to a 24. Now I don't even know. Some of my 2X clothing is still too small; some of my 1X clothing is too big. My work shirts are an XXL but an XL is too small. My bras don't feel any roomier but my panties are getting big.
I should be feeling great and instead I feel like a bag-lady. I don't have money to buy new clothes, and it's been so long since I've been anything below a size 22 (at least 6 years, possibly 7) that I've gotten rid of all those "skinny" clothes.
Part of the problem is that I ignored the scale for so long that I don't remember what I weighed when I wore each size. I have a vague recollection of being a size 16 in my freshman year of high school and weighing around 170 lbs. Which sounds about right, since my mom weighs 155 lbs now and a size 14 is getting big on her.
So I have about 80 lbs to lose until I inherit her clothes. And no money (literally none) in the meantime to buy new stuff.
I guess I will just have to resign myself to being the bag lady for the next eight to ten months. I'm going to hate it.
