Bullets
January 15, 2004 
5:50 am
I was thinking on my drive home yesterday that there were so many weightloss-related things I'd meant to write about in here, but never actually did. And then I had an epiphany: do a bullet-list entry!
So now here I am, with time and intent to post, and I can't remember a damn thing I wanted to write about. I'm going to try anyway, though.
- I've been watching some shows on Discovery Health Channel about women who have lost weight and who have something like 50 lbs of excess skin that needs to be removed. I have to admit, this has me terrified. When I made my plans to get the fat off, I never thought about extra skin. Or stretchmarks. But now I can see both of those are firmly in my future, and I'm shallow enough (and honest enough) to say that I am not losing the weight so that I can be ugly. And part of me is hating myself for feeling that way, while the other part of me is hating myself for getting so big in the first place.
- Also, on self-hatred: I can't hate myself. I hardly ever talk about self-hatred in here because I just don't understand it. And when I do feel it (like in the above situation), it never lasts. People that hate themselves and their bodies annoy me... yes, it's true. And it's not a little annoyance, it's a BIG one. So when I hate myself, I annoy myself, and then I force myself to stop. It's kind of like reverse self-esteem.
- About self-esteem: the things you guys write about me in your comments, and in my guestbook and notes... well, you have no idea how wonderful it all makes me feel. And I wish I had time to reply back! I always mean to, but I either get shy or distracted by work or school and next thing I know two weeks has gone by and I haven't replied yet. So I am seeing all the wonderful things you are saying, and I am grateful!
- Yesterday I sinned greatly and had a venti caramel macchiatto from S*bux. I don't know the calories or fat, but the caffeine was worth it. Wow!
- The other day I wore a size MEDIUM cashmere sweater. I'm firmly into a size XL for tops, sometimes a Large, and my size XL pajama bottoms that I haven't been able to wear since I was a senior in HS fit me now! Clothes shopping has become a fun excursion now that I am in the "normal" section. I never, ever want to have to buy anything with "Plus" in the label again.
That's all for now, I have two minutes to get ready to leave for work and school. I'll write more later, I promise.
