Looking down, looking up, mother don't look now.
August 10, 2003 
1:18 am
Very stressful week/weekend so far. There's the possibility of unemployment, which is definitely unpleasant, as well as issues with school. I've had a very difficult year and a half, and I flunked most of my classes last semester, which has gotten me academically dismissed from the University. Of course now after it's happened I've gotten help and I'm ready to go back and reclaim my braniac title, but because I've screwed up, I can't. I guess that's irony for you.... Life is too hard sometimes.
My eating has been very bad as a result. I had to work during my gym time on Friday so I didn't get to go. And you know how it is when you screw up, or when something bad happens, you think "Well why bother trying to stay on track? I've already messed up." So this weekend I've had nutella, green tea, and microwave popcorn. And besides some diet Pepsi and an attempt at cooking meat the other night (I cooked a chicken breast that I fed mostly to the dog), that's all I've had.
Stress makes me restless and makes me want to hide. I want to crawl away into a quiet space and ignore my problems until I'm ready to deal with them. Unfortunately I can't do that, so as a result I'm constantly wandering around, constantly looking for things to do with my hands, to occupy my mind. I watch a lot of TV.
I also worry a lot when I'm stressed. And I babble. Can you tell?
Right now I'm choosing to worry about my body. There is so much I don't like about my body. I could make a list. For example, my tits. They are small, a curse handed down on my mother's side of the family. They are also a little saggy, more than likely because of the fat around and in them pulling them down. I hate how if I go bra-less it looks like my nipples are bumps on some sort of weird third stomach-roll. (I have two stomach rolls... one above my waist and one underneath.)
Speaking of my stomach rolls, I hate those too. My ex made me feel like some sort of freak about them. He'd dated big girls before, but I guess none of them had a waist. One night in bed I said something about my belly and he ran his hand around my waist and said, "Yeah, what is this?" Startled, I said, "What is what?"
"This... indentation," he said, poking at my waist. "I've never seen anything like it."
Is it just me or is that a little weird?
Plus the rolls make me feel self-conscious because the way the top one "hangs" over the waist of my jeans (something that looks a little more pronounced now that I'm all paranoid). I'll be really happy when it's all flat enough that I won't have to worry about any of it.
I also don't like my feet. They're too wide (not entirely a result of being overweight, I inherited a wide foot), very callused because I'm an outdoorsy person who goes barefoot a lot, and my pinkie toes are weird-looking.
I'm Irish, and very freckled. I hate all my freckles. I have flawless skin except for my freckles. Freckles should be illegal.
And my hair? I could easily dye the color away (dark blonde), but I wouldn't be able to get rid of the thickness of it (so thick that I have to have it all pinned up on my head in stages just to get a trim) or its coarseness.
On the plus side, I was 254 on the scale. That's an official loss of 20 lbs since I started losing weight a few months ago, and I can definitely see the difference.
At least some things are looking up.
